When Life Feels Unfair — What Losing My Job Taught Me About Inner Stability
Why Circumstances Don’t Create Your Experience — Your Thinking Does
Just 1,5 years ago, I received a message that stopped me in my tracks: “Your position has been downsized.” Five seemingly simple words, but they changed everything.
My role was gone, my department shut down, and overnight what once felt stable and certain disappeared. I wasn’t just losing a job, I was losing structure, identity, daily rhythm, and a sense of “this is how life is supposed to be.”
I wrote about that experience in a post called “Downsized, Not Defeated,” where I shared not only what happened, but how I navigated shock, anxiety, self-doubt, and eventually clarity and direction. Being downsized wasn’t just a career setback, it forced me to look inward, to examine how I respond to life’s most disappointing and unfair moments.
Believe or not, one month ago I was back to the same painful situation, that is why, in this post, I want to explore how to deal with unfairness, not as an abstract concept, but as a personal vulnerable reality. Because if you’re reading this after losing something important, a job, a relationship, a chance, a dream, you are not alone.
1. First: Let Yourself Feel It (Fully)
When unfairness hits, it often comes with shock, anger, sadness, denial, even shame. My first instinct after being downsized was to sprint into action: update my CV, start applying, reach out to every contact I had. But that wasn’t healing. It was distraction.
Instead, I learned to:
Notice what I was feeling
Name it
Let it surface without judgment
You don’t have to be fine immediately, you just have to be honest with yourself.
2. Separate What Happened From the Story You Tell
An unfair event is what happened.
Your interpretation, the meaning you add, is a story.
When I lost my job, a part of me immediately whispered:
“This means you weren’t good enough.”
“This is personal.”
“Everyone will see you as a failure.”
But facts and stories are different:
Fact: The organization reorganized and downsized roles.
Story: “I am not valuable.”
Acknowledging the difference doesn’t diminish the pain, it gives you clarity, and clarity restores agency.
3. Focus on What You Can Control
Unfair situations by definition involve forces outside your control. When I was downsized, whether that decision was “fair” or not had no impact on the reality: my role was gone.
But I could control:
How I structured my days
Whether I kept a routine
Who I talked to
What I learned during the process
Focusing on what’s in your control is not denial. It’s empowerment.
4. Don’t Let Bitterness Become Your Identity
One of the most dangerous traps after unfairness is identity takeover.
It’s easy to start thinking:
“I am the person who was wronged.”
“This happened to me.”
I’ve been there too. But holding on to bitterness keeps you stuck in the moment of hurt rather than moving toward what’s next.
You can acknowledge injustice without becoming defined by it, and that’s where true freedom begins.
5. Ask the Hard but Helpful Questions
Instead of “Why is this happening to me?” try:
What is this pushing me to learn?
What boundary needs strengthening?
What opportunity is hidden in this challenge?
The answers won’t come overnight but they start the shift from reaction to reflection.
6. Respond From Values, Not Emotion
Your first reaction might be driven by emotion, that’s normal.
What matters more is your second reaction, the one that comes after a pause, a breath, a moment of grounding.
Ask:
Who do I want to be in this moment?
What response aligns with my long-term values?
The difference between emotional and values-based responses is enormous.
7. Rebuild With Intention
Dealing with unfairness isn’t just about surviving it, it’s about rebuilding from it.
In my case, the downsizing became:
A period to reflect on what matters
A time to protect my mental and emotional health
An opening to explore new professional directions and opportunities
A reminder that my worth is not tied to a single position or role
Out of endings can come beginnings, sometimes clearer, stronger, more aligned with your purpose.
A Short Reflection & Meditation on Unfairness
Before you move on, pause.
Take a breath.
If you are currently in the middle of something that feels unfair — don’t rush past it.
Sit comfortably.
Close your eyes if that feels safe.
Take three slow breaths.
And gently reflect:
1. What actually happened?
Not the interpretation. Not the story. Just the facts.
2. What am I feeling right now?
Name it without judging it. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Fear.
Let the feeling be there — without trying to fix it.
3. What story am I telling myself about this?
Is it absolutely true?
Could there be another way to see this?
Now shift your attention inward.
Notice that:
Thoughts are appearing.
Feelings are moving.
Sensations are present.
But there is also something deeper — an awareness that is steady.
Unfairness touches your circumstances.
It does not touch your core.
Take another slow breath.
And ask yourself:
Who do I want to be in response to this?
What would acting from clarity, not hurt, look like?
If this were happening for my growth, what might it be teaching me?
You don’t need perfect answers.
Just allow space.
Sometimes resilience is not force.
It is remembering that your state of mind shapes how you experience what happens , even when you cannot control what happens.
When you’re ready, open your eyes.
You are still here.
You are still capable.
You are not defeated.
And this chapter — unfair as it may feel — is not the end of your story.
Final Reflection
Unfairness is a part of life we try to avoid, but can’t escape.
What we can do is choose how we respond.
You can let unfairness define you
or you can let it deepen you.
What matters most is not what happened to you,
but who you choose to become because of it.
If This Helped…
If you know someone going through a downsizing, rejection, or something that feels unfair — share this with them.
Sometimes we don’t need solutions.
We just need perspective.
Pass it on.
What Downsizing Really Feels Like
Being let go due to a downsizing process is a strange experience.
It’s not as simple as “I lost my job.”
It feels layered.
There is the practical layer — contracts, HR conversations, timelines, formal words like “restructuring” and “overtallighet.”
But underneath that, there is something more human.
At times, I have felt:
Discarded.
Overlooked.
Replaceable.
Devalued.
Not because anyone said those words directly.
But because when a role disappears, it’s easy to let the mind translate that into: Maybe I wasn’t essential.
There is also a feeling of powerlessness.
Decisions made above you.
Processes already set in motion.
A train that was leaving the station whether you agreed with it or not.
And then comes the identity layer.
When your work is not just a job but part of your craft, your calling, your contribution — losing it can momentarily shake your sense of self.
Who am I without this role?
Where is my value now?
What is my place?
But something else has been present too.
Clarity.
Because when the noise settles, what remains is this:
My competence is still here.
My experience is still here.
My passion for service design, facilitation, and leadership is still here.
A downsizing process can remove a position.
It cannot remove capability.
It cannot remove character.
It cannot remove contribution.
What I am learning is this:
Feeling rejected is human.
Taking it personally is optional.
There is grief in endings.
And there is space in endings.
And sometimes, space is exactly what growth requires.